If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
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Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
SCARY COSTUME
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.