If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
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I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.