If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
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Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.