Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?