Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

I really would love to see two mimes arguing