@iwearaonesie

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

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@JenniferJokes

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

@NicestHippo

“So did you get lucky last night?”
You better believe it!
[flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]

@amishschool

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

@juliussharpe

I’ll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.

@RidiculousSheri

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

@HatesNiceThings

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

@ElleOhHell

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

@Michael_Neese

Me: I was sober for 12 years

AA Director: What happened ?

Me: I turned 13….