“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

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Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re


“So did you get lucky last night?”
You better believe it!
[flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]


Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.


I’ll vote for whichever candidate promises to get rid of banner ads that move when you scroll down.


My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.


They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.


If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.


Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief


Me: I was sober for 12 years

AA Director: What happened ?

Me: I turned 13….