“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
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“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?