“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
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My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair