If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
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shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.