If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.