@TheBoydP

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

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@_wildmilk

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

@Bob_Janke

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

@cravin4

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

@ThugRaccoons

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

@TweetsByKaylee

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

@realHamOnWry

I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won’t know until 2018.

@DanMentos

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

@cxcope

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

@brittwastaken

Me: *insecure”

Everyone: Don’t be insecure. People hate that

Me: *insecure about being insecure*

@gerryhallcomedy

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.