lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
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It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won’t know until 2018.
“How often do you floss?”
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Everyone: Don’t be insecure. People hate that
Me: *insecure about being insecure*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.