If aliens are only on the quest for intelligent life, then Earth really has nothing to worry about.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
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????My lactose-free, gluten-free, wheat-free, carb-free, nut-free, fat-free milkshake, brings all the weirdos to the yard…????
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
*turns to camera*
It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
In Canada they just call them geese
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.