If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

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If aliens are only on the quest for intelligent life, then Earth really has nothing to worry about.


????My lactose-free, gluten-free, wheat-free, carb-free, nut-free, fat-free milkshake, brings all the weirdos to the yard…????


“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”


*turns to camera*



It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.


70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”


Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*


Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…


cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless


what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.