If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
You Might Also Like
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex