If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
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I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”