If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
You Might Also Like
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
😭😭😭😭
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH