If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
You Might Also Like
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
President The Rock Obama
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing