Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance