If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
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My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
That stupid look on my face, is my face
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater