Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it