If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
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who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Choose your fighter
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I’m the neighbor
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull