Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

Sunday

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

👍

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?