Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

My blood type is coffee.

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me

Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!

How about I get 100% off by already being there

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

Awwwww shit.

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —

And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.