If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
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NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King