If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
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DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad