If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
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Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Don’t forget to tip your server
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator