If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
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You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
LA today:
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.