Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

a New Yorker reject, for you

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.