If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
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wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”