If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
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Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children