If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
You Might Also Like
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.