If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
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What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
for all #parents out there
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.