Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

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God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.