If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
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My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.