Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

I have so many questions.

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

Me when someone tries to get to know me

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.