If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
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Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I think I’ll stand
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.