Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.