if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
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When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.