Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards

JUDGE: no can do

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

Posting this on behalf of a friend