Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests

me: yes…for our guests

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

50 shades of grey = my Liver

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.