if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
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8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
bought wrong eggs
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.