If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
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Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
