Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

This has made my week.

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.