If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
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Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.