Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…

*counts*

…twelve dollars.

(Don’t you judge me.)