If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.