If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
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When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…