Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”