If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
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They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
excuse me
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.