If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
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As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.