If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
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If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Doggies just call it style.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
Based Erika
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.