Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

[seafood restaurant]

CHEF: where are my shellfish?!

ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q