ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”