Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SQUARREL

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*