Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

wtf is an acronym

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.