Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re