If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
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Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!