If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
You Might Also Like
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
*aggressively waits in line*
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”