Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

just left a huge legacy in there

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

😩😩😩

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?