Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

all bases covered

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste