Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

Best mom ever 😂

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

Support your local cemetery

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are