If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
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me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.