Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!