Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.