If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
You Might Also Like
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman: