If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
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him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s