If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.