If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

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About to start selling my new weight loss program

For only 29.95$ I’ll flirt with you making you so nauseous you’ll never want to eat again


Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.


The difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser is depth perception.


The steak that I put in the Easy Bake Oven as a child is still not done


Apparently shouting out “he has a gun” isn’t the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.


At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your

Me: 40ish


Me: it’s the year 2200. You are dead and forgotten.

Guy: I meant what’s our future, damn.


I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.