@Smooheed
About to start selling my new weight loss program
For only 29.95$ I’ll flirt with you making you so nauseous you’ll never want to eat again
@BuckyIsotope
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
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@Smooheed
@iGreenGod
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
@missekay
The difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser is depth perception.
@Wine_Honey1
The steak that I put in the Easy Bake Oven as a child is still not done
@DaddyJew
Apparently shouting out “he has a gun” isn’t the best way to let everyone in the bank know that you see the security guard. I know this now.
@Robert_Beau
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
@comes_night
Me: it’s the year 2200. You are dead and forgotten.
Guy: I meant what’s our future, damn.
@Desert_Musings
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
@WordDamage
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
@BruceForce
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy