If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

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I sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.


Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.


You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package


If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.


Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*


FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.


COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?