@SternoShots
I sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.
@BuckyIsotope
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
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@SternoShots
@mommajessiec
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
@QwertyJones3
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
@MmmBacon_
I am woman, hear me ignore.
@pakalupapito
i wish i lost weight as fast as i lose motivation
@3sunzzz
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
@DocBrown21
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
@xofreckles
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
@AmishPornStar1
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
@FrazzleMyGimp
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?