@BuckyIsotope

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

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@SternoShots

I sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.

@mommajessiec

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

@QwertyJones3

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

@3sunzzz

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

@xofreckles

Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*

@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?