If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
You Might Also Like
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?