Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.