If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
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Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
He just like my cat fr
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
absolutely not
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.