If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
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FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Go hard or stay average
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
LMFAOOOO
